Laura’s place

OMG!! I just saw New Moon! OMG Edward is so hot!! It was soooo good!!!!! Cuz, like, Edward is, like, SO hot!!!!!!!! And Jacob is, like, omg so hot too!!! OMG I just LOVE Stephenie Meyer and Twilight and New Moon and EDWARD!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!

If you think that was pretty annoying, just imagine being surrounded for two and a half hours by dozens of teenage fangirls whose very being was radiating such a crazed adoration like it was body heat. Row upon row of middle and high school girls wearing far too much mascara almost bouncing up and down in their seats over the mere sight of the gorgeous, mysterious, glittery vampire that is David Bowie…I mean, Edward.

My friend Reem, who is one of those Twilight fangirls, wanted to see New Moon with me the day after it came out. I didn’t protest too much, because I had seen the trailer and it actually looked pretty cool. The main character Bella, who in the previous installment had fallen madly in love with a vampire named Edward, is ditched by said vampire who leaves her saying he doesn’t want to be with her. She starts having freakish nightmares in which she sees Edward. So she jumps off a cliff. Then there are a few battle scenes between vampires in dark robes and our mysterious, gorgeous Edward, and a giant wolf. To be honest, it looked pretty appealing. Definitely more appealing than the previous one, Twilight, in which the first hour and a half of the two hour movie consist exclusively of Bella and Edward staring at each other and Bella remarking on how hot Edward is. There is a brief plot-like sequence near the end in which Bella is captured by an evil vampire and beat up pretty badly, but then Edward comes and saves the day in about fifteen minutes.

First, let me explain Stephenie Meyer’s version of a “vampire.” According to Meyer, vampires don’t necessarilly need human blood. There is such a thing as a “vegetarian vampire.” No, it is not a vampire who only drinks the blood of vegetarians; it is a vampire that only drinks animal blood. So, basically, a wuss vampire. Also, according to Meyer, vampires don’t die in the sun; they don’t shrivel and dry up like a prune on the spot. No, actually, they sparkle. Yes, sparkle. As in glitter. In fact, in the movie it does look like someone dumped a bucket of glitter over them. So, basically, a wuss vampire who looks like a 70’s rock star.

Now let’s stop ranting about Meyer’s ridiculous idea of “vampires” and start talking about the new movie that just came out yesterday, New Moon. It was not off to a good start. It starts with a picture of a full moon. Then slowly, very slowly, very, very, very slowly, it goes through the different phases, shrinking away, and behind the moon is…NEW MOON! It took a full minute to show the title of the movie, and I instantly knew the movie was not going to be good.

First of all, there is absolutely no character development. I don’t care at all what happens to the characters. Hell, I have no idea who these people are. They’re just actors on a screen who seem to have taken lessons from Keanu Reeves. Throughout the entire movie, they all have that same slack-jawed, bored expression on their faces.

Secondly, the action sucks. The most exciting part was probably when Bella jumped off a cliff. All the action sequences are in slow motion. The first few times it can be kind of cool, but after a while it gets boring. The director also didn’t seem to know how to express good action. In the middle of the movie a pop song plays, not the usual classical soundtrack, like that one part in a movie when a lot of time goes by. For example, in School of Rock this is the sequence when Jack Black is teaching the kids how to rock and they’re starting to really get it. In this movie, however, where this scene should have been was a vampire chase. The evil vampire, who really has nothing to do with the plot (which I found disappointing), is chasing Bella’s dad’s friend and attacks him and kills him and all the while this pop song is playing and it just seems completely out of place.

Third, the special affects were pretty terrible. The vampires looked glittery (I’m not sure if it was on purpose or not, but it did not look good), the wolves looked fake, and when the vampires ran fast it looked like a VCR being fast forwarded.

Fourth, it followed the exact structure of the previous movie, only longer. The first half hour was Edward ditching Bella even though we know he’s only doing it because he loves her. It’s obvious. The next hour and a half was Bella being depressed and Jacob saying, “I would never hurt you like that!” and Bella crying over Edward and having crazy nightmares because she misses Edward and Jacob getting mad because Bella is only thinking of Edward and Bella missing Edward some more. Then there is a little backstory of Jacob being a werewolf, but it has little to do with anything. Then the last half hour is when it get’s fairly interesting where Edward thinks Bella is dead and is going to kill himself but then Bella stops him and this committee of vampires gets mad and tries to kill Edward and then Bella is like, “No! Kill me instead!” but they don’t and everyone goes home. The End.

Fifth, the ending. Bella wants Edward to change her into a vampire and Edward says, “Okay, but on one condition…” and then it’s silent for about 20 seconds. During that time I was seriously considering shouting “Get on with it!” but I held back. After what seems like a century of staring at Edward’s face, he says, “Marry me.” and I’m like, “Oh my god, could it get worse?” Apparently it doesn’t because that’s when the movie ends.

Long story short (too late) it was a bad movie.